As everyone gears up for finals, Longhorn Life thought we’d stop by and chat with the one and only Albino Squirrel. We talk to him about his holiday plans this year and if there really is any truth behind the myth that you will get an A if you see him before your exam.
Longhorn Life: Before we get into it, how’re you doing today?
Albino Squirrel: Some days it’s hard to tell, you know?
LL: What do you mean by that?
AS: Nevermind. Let’s just get on with the interview.
LL: All right then. So what do you think it is about you that's made you such a campus icon?
AS: Well, I’d like to say it’s my winning personality, but we both know that’s not true. I would probably say it’s the terrible congenital disorder that makes me unable to produce pigment.
LL: I think there’s more to you than that.
AS: There really isn’t. I mean, I’m a squirrel, you know? What is there to say?
LL: Well, it must be fun to be unique. No other squirrel on campus gets as much attention. What’s it like?
AS: What’s what like? Being looked at as a freak by everyone who comes in contact with you? To stand on the periphery of society looking in as an outsider because of your cursed, pale appearance?
LL: That’s not what I was getting at. People are always happy to see you. You know, the whole idea that they’ll get an A if they do?
AS: You know what also gets you an A? Studying. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to come off rude. I very much care for the students here, and I want them all to succeed or at least have a taste of what success feels like before life inevitably strangles the hope from their naïve little heads.
LL: Ok, we’ll get back to this. Um, let’s see here… What are you planning for the holiday break?
AS: Oh, well I was planning on taking some time off and getting together with my family to celebrate Kwanza.
AS: Yes, really. What? I can’t celebrate Kwanza because I’m albino? Is that what you’re saying? That would be racist if I had a race.
LL: No, that’s not it at all. I just mean I don’t know a lot of people who celebrate Kwanza. That’s all.
AS: Oh, well in that case, it’s a really beautiful time. Why don’t you join my family in the festivities this year?
LL: I’m actually pretty busy right now… You know, with the economy the way it is and everything…
LL: Huh? Anyway, when you’re not too busy being a campus-wide icon, what are some of your hobbies?
AS: I don’t have a lot of free time now, but whenever I get a chance I like to decoupage and Facebook stalk my ex-wife’s new husband.
LL: Decoupage. That’s interesting. How did you get into that?
AS: My ex-wife turned me on to it right before she taught me love is dead.
LL: Going back to the UT legend that surrounds you. Do you think there's any merit to it?
AS: Okay, I didn’t want to talk about this, but yes. It’s completely true.
LL: Really? That’s fascinating! Tell me more.
AS: No, of course it’s not true. I’m a squirrel with a genetic disorder, not a magician. Did you know that if you see a cat with sickle-cell anemia your textbooks will be cheaper next semester? Give me a break.
LL: Okay then. Do you have anything else to add?
AS: Yes. Don’t forget to like my page on Facebook. Also, follow me on Twitter (@lindsaylohan) and Instagram.