Bevo tells us what it's like to be a mascot

Longhorn Life: So you're the 14th Bevo to date! How do you feel about that?

Bevo XIV: Probably the same way every killer whale that inherits the title of Shamu feels, or golden retriever that becomes the next Air Bud ... God, I wish I was Air Bud. Anyway, it's pretty cool, I guess. They feed me and bathe me all the time; I don't have to do much. I just wish I had a name different from previous mascots, you know? Something like ... Keith. Yeah, Keith'd be nice.

LL: Are you aware that the original Bevo was fattened and slaughtered after becoming too expensive to care for?
Bevo: .... Wait, what?

LL: Be honest, you and Bill Powers are BFFs right?
Bevo: What can I say about Bill other than the fact that he's one of the best guys I've ever met? He was my first friend at UT, and I'm going to miss him dearly when the time comes to say goodbye. He would sneak breakfast tacos to me every morning, and even took me into the SAC after hours once to play a late-night game of flashlight tag. This one time, oh man, we ordered 50 pizzas to Rick Perry's office, boy oh boy were the governor's knickers in a knot!

LL: Tell us about any traditional pre-game rituals you and the team might perform.
Bevo: Well, the night before every big game, Coach Mack Brown and I have a man-to-steer sit down in the barn. He lights some cinnamon-scented candles whilst humming a particularly slow rendition of "The Eyes of Texas." We stare straight into each other's eyes for around an hour total, before he brings in the shaman and we begin the séance. From here, there's a whole lot of Latin chants and a sacrifice of the animal that serves as the opponents mascot. This process ends with the whole team and I going to get half-price appetizers at Applebee's. I don't know how well this strategy works, but tradition is important.

LL: Are you embarrassed that you don't have hands capable of performing our school's "Hook 'em" hand sign?
Bevo: NO! Stop, stop, stop. Imagine having to live with two samurai swords poking out both sides of your skull — living with that every day. It's an evolutionary inconvenience, and for the University of Texas' catchphrase to be centered around the potential goring of an innocent by myself promotes a psychologically exhausting load of self-consciousness and anxiety that I did not choose to bear. Is school spirit worth this implicit exploitation of violence?

LL: What's your favorite part of being our school's legendary mascot?
Bevo: Being branded. It hurts so good. I guess I'm just into that type of stuff.

LL: Predictions for our football season?
Bevo: I'm going to say 0-12, because unless we're really that terrible we're going to do much better than I predict. I'm not even a football fan, to be honest. Maybe it's because I'm not of the human species, but I don't get it; to me it just looks like older men telling boys to touch each other. Us longhorns just mount our buddies if that's how we feel about them, no questions asked. Mancala, on the otherhand, now that's a game I can get into!